Talking to Your Mat Through Your Recovery: Confronting Shame

Perhaps the toughest part of recovering from trauma involves dealing with shame. Shame feels horrible. Heavy. Unfortunately, many people cope with such feelings by distracting themselves, often engaging in the same maladaptive or addictive behavior that contributed to this negative emotion in the first place. 

However, the heavy weight of shame is why talking to your mat through your recovery can be so powerful and transformative. Until you learn to sit with negative emotions, including shame, you risk having your external circumstances unconsciously dictate your behavior. Instead of being an active participant in your life’s story, you simply react, often badly, remaining trapped in the same negative cycles without fully understanding why. 

Yet your mat also offers safety. Comfort. Freedom from judgment. It’s where you can confront shame, examine it, learn what led to it — and how to change the behaviors that drive it. Talking to your mat doesn’t violently force you into a confrontation with your shame. Rather, it’s a confessional free from penance. It’s where you can sit down with your shadow and deeply, truly listen to what wounded it so badly, giving it a safe space to be heard at last. 

A Well of Shame So Deep, It Goes All the Way to China

Coping with my own shame on the mat has been the hardest part of my journey. Although my recovery will likely be a lifelong trek, it began in earnest when I had to fill the hole left when I quit drinking. Instead of hitting the bottle and doomscrolling, I spent hours doing restorative yoga in bed while listening to various licensed psychologists on YouTube. 

As I watched role-plays, my brain finally made the connection between cold, clinical diagnostic criteria, such as “frantic efforts to avoid abandonment,” and actual, physical behaviors such as threatening suicide. Yes. I had threatened suicide on myriad occasions. However, I never intended such statements to be manipulative. When I said it, I genuinely meant it — and at my lowest point, I darn near went through with it. 

It had never before made sense to me how such behaviors could be construed as manipulative. It was only in watching these role-plays, in seeing the same behavior from both my perspective and the other person’s, that I came to understand that such statements could cause enormous stress and anxiety in the listener. Before, I could only see my perspective, my pain. From where I was sitting, other people dismissed my words as “not that serious; just Jenn being dramatic again” because they didn’t care. It never occurred to me that they might behave dismissively because my words frightened them. I never considered that they did care but were powerless to help. 

I still cry while confessing this, so utter was my horror at this revelation. One difference in how my brain functions is that it takes a while to grasp certain concepts. However, once I “get” something, I understand completely. It’s more like a several megaton nuclear blast than a light bulb going off. Which is an appropriate analogy. Imagine the full horror of all your past maladaptive behaviors slamming into you all at once like a freight train of shame. 

The sum of my mindless bad acts, acts that had caused others untold suffering, blocked my path like a juggernaut, an insurmountable wall of shame. Yet, I had to continue to live in this world, and I’ve never been good at lying to myself. I immediately resolved to stop engaging in such behaviors. I isolated myself and continued my unusual form of self-study, teaching myself what I should not do to avoid hurting other people. 

I still had no idea what I was supposed to do, if not self-sabotage. I had never had a healthy behavioral model to follow. I just knew I didn’t want to hurt anyone ever again. My reparenting work began with talking to my mat, absorbing lessons on how to set appropriate boundaries and how to ask for my needs to be met instead of ignoring them until I broke down in hysterical tears or furious screams.

Talking to the mat then rewarded me with the greatest gift I’ve ever received. I chanced upon one of Dr. Kim Sage’s videos about complex trauma — and autism. Flashbacks of being identified as “gifted” at age four, of my inability to fit into any one peer group but drifting aimlessly through school, being mystified by how other people formed lasting friendships while I had no clue, endlessly annoying my parents with my “rutchiness” or endless need to move, hit me with the force of the shame semi. However, this insight was revelatory in a positive way. Seeking an evaluation was hard, but necessary, and the results surprised me not at all. Yes, Virginia. I was autistic. 

Knowing this has made navigating life and relating to other people infinitely easier and less terrifying. Yes, I’m still awkward, and no, I will never enjoy socializing for socializing’s sake the way more neurotypical people do. However, understanding that my nervous system does perceive the world differently and that people do misinterpret my intentions when I communicate has provided the insight I need to change my approach. It’s not about trying to be manipulative; it’s about respecting the other person and expressing myself in a way that’s authentic without being offensive. 

However, I still have a deep well of shame inside me. To prevent unleashing my inner negativity on people outside of me who don’t deserve it, I need to deal with it. Therapy still isn’t very accessible due to financial limitations. So I talk to my mat instead, unpacking memory by memory, allowing myself to feel my emotions, learn from what they teach me, comfort myself that I did the best I could with the resources I had at the time, and remind myself that I am free to choose a different, healthier path armed with what I know now. Little by little, I’m healing. 

Tips for Making Your Mat a Safe Place to Work Through Shame 

Shame work is hard. It’s also necessary. Ideally, you have the help of a trusted therapist to guide you through this process. However, we don’t live in a perfect world where everyone in need of such services has meaningful access, and I want you to feel empowered, secure in the knowledge that yes, you can get better if you are brave and willing to take a long, hard look at yourself. 

Here’s the perfect place for my standard disclaimer: We at Only in Sedona Yoga are not mental health practitioners or medical professionals. We’re two ordinary people, one of whom is working her way through her own trauma and shame using tips like those below. However, ultimately, your doctor is your go-to source for professional advice. Think of us more like friends who care and encourage your healing. 

1. Make Your Mat an Inviting Retreat 

Talking to your mat should be a pleasure, not a chore. Yes, you will undoubtedly deal with some extremely heavy feelings should you choose to do shame work, but there’s no need to add insult to injury by twisting yourself into poses that don’t feel right for your body, punishing yourself by pushing too hard, or subjecting yourself to a harsh environment filled with bright lights, uncomfortable temperatures, or funky smells. 

That’s why we encourage you to set the mood. Light candles or use whatever safe form of aromatherapy encourages you to relax. Scents like lavender and frankincense activate receptors in your brain that induce a sense of calm, which may help if negative memories trigger anxiety. 

Surround yourself with cozy objects. Bolsters and pillows let you sink into passive poses but also act as emotional supports. I can’t begin to count how many tears my own bolster has absorbed over these past few months and years. A weighted blanket (something I’m dying to get) may be enormously beneficial, depending on your nervous system. It can feel like a comforting hug. 

2. Find a Safe, Private Place to Practice

As glorious as your guide at the local gym may be, a crowded classroom may not be the best place to do shame work on your mat. You could end up feeling embarrassed at your emotional reactions. Instead, find a safe, private location for such flows. 

You might have to get creative if you share space with multiple other people. However, practicing outdoors gives you an added healing boost. Can you find a semi-secluded area in your neighborhood park or even a corner of your balcony separated by a folding divider and a few houseplants? Those with YouTube Premium can download flows to watch anywhere, even in the middle of the forest where WiFi doesn’t reach.

3. Practice Detachment 

Shame work poses the risk of sending you down Rumination Road, someplace you don’t want to go. Before you dig in deeply, find a visual or auditory tool that helps you detach. 

I prefer the visualization device of a little neutral scientist in my head, jotting each thought down in a notebook, then turning the page. However, my internal wiring is a little different. I have a nearly eidetic memory for anything emotionally charged, and this method works for me because it also allows me to return to each item for further examination later. Experiment and find the technique that best helps you detach. 

4. Start Small, Slow, and Simple

If you have been as emotionally dysregulated as I have been, you may have mountains and mountains of shame to work through. However, part of the beauty of healing through talking to your mat is that there’s no timeline, no insurance company saying, “You get X number of sessions, and that’s it.” Please, start slow and start small. Deal with one painful memory at a time. 

Consider keeping each session short at first. As you grow and heal, you can add length and depth to your practice. Limiting each session to no more than ten minutes also helps to prevent rumination, especially if you plan another, different, more distracting activity for afterward.

5. Incorporate Other Healing Modalities

Depending on how your nervous system works, your mat time might only be a starting point for other healing modalities. Mindful walking in nature, journaling, expressing yourself through art, or talking through your feelings with a safe person you trust may be more transformative for you than somatic work — and that’s okay. 

Workbooks produced by licensed mental health practitioners are glorious for this work. I’m personally a huge fan of Dr. Daniel Fox’s “Borderline Personality Workbook.” It was transformative in teaching me healthy ways to express myself that others didn’t interpret as a vicious attack or dramatic bid for attention. 

6. Amass a Library of Materials on Healing Shame and Trauma 

The bad news is, therapy remains as expensive as ever. The good news is, countless licensed professionals provide tools you can use for free and programs you can enroll in for much lower prices than one-on-one couch sessions. Dr. Fox’s workbook is only one example. You’ll find scores of others that may be better suited to your unique situation. 

The positive side to self-guided recovery is that you don’t have to sign a treatment plan or adhere to a regimen prescribed by someone else. Get mindful and creative. For example, I practiced while listening to audio lectures by licensed mental health practitioners, figuring there was no law stating “thou must perform yoga flows in silence.” That worked for me, along with reading countless books. Find the right combo for you, even if it seems unconventional to outsiders. 

7. Think Marathon, Not Sprint 

Chances are, you didn’t accumulate your shame overnight. You may have endured a lifetime of trauma. However, there’s no real “finish line” and certainly no need to race to it. Be patient with yourself, and remember that healing is a marathon, not a sprint. 

For example, you might have several good weeks. Then, something happens that triggers a particularly painful memory. Sometimes, you can’t pinpoint anything obvious. You feel like you’re going forward, then suddenly take three steps back. 

When you do, it’s good to pause and detach once more. It also helps to take a tip from those in addiction recovery. Keep in mind that relapse, or occasionally slipping back into other coping mechanisms that trigger shame, doesn’t represent failure. Many who struggle with addiction make as many as five attempts to get clean before it sticks. 

One thing is for certain — burying yourself in more shame won’t help you deal with the pain you already have, so be gentle and recognize that changing deeply ingrained behaviors takes time. What’s important is that you recognize them for what they are now and take accountability by apologizing when you do slip up. 

8. Don’t Focus on Shame Work With Every Flow

This final tip goes hand-in-hand with the first one. The idea is to enjoy your time on the mat, to look forward to it, something that won’t happen if you continually associate your practice with negative feelings. Therefore, be intentional when you work through shame on the mat, but don’t feel like you have to turn every flow into a therapy session. 

Part of the beauty of recovery on the mat is that the simple act of coordinating your breath and body movements and moving slowly, with intention, is enough to start healing your nervous system. Therefore, even when your mind isn’t working through trauma, you’re still getting benefits such as improved emotional regulation and mindfulness. Dedicate at least half of your mat time to focusing on your breath and the pleasure you take in the poses, doing your best not to think of anything else at all. 

Confronting Shame When Talking to Your Mat Through Your Recovery

Dealing with shame is one of the hardest parts of recovery. It’s also where many people stumble. While making outward behavioral changes, such as quitting substance use, helps, the true transformation comes from dealing with the underlying emotions that drive you to such maladaptive behaviors in the first place. 

Confronting your demons can be tough, but it can also be the most worthwhile endeavor you ever undertake. The good news is, the rewards for doing so keep coming long after you’ve brought your shadow into the light. Working through your shame increases your sense of accountability for your own actions but also highlights what you can and can’t control. For example, when I thought I was “gifted,” I had the deep-down core belief that it was my duty to save the entire world. The fact that I was failing so miserably at it increased my sense of shame. 

However, working through such emotions on the mat taught me that the only behavior I could control was my own — and that was enough. Imagine what the world could be like if everyone took the time for similar introspection. Confronting your shame by talking to the mat eases your suffering and that of everyone else whose lives you touch. A more predictable, stable, and peaceful world begins by healing from the inside, and you have the power to do so. With love and hope for healing, always. ~ J.